stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
