bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
