after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
