I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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