Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
