I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
