Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
