i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
