He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
