life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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