Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
