just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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