if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
