If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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