I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
