Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
