it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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