If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
