Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
