before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
