Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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