Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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