my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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