i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
