Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
