sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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