I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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