Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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