I am midnight drunk by noon
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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