I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
