The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
