My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
