Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
