I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
