this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Randomize
