why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
