he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
