Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
