M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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