so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
