OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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