a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
A bitchslap is in order.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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