You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
