my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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