Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Drunk is a universal language darling
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