So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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