Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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