he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize