I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
