Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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