I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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