i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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