He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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