My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
