I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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