But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
