final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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