The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
