ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
