i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
you had me at cake vodka
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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