Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
