I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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