I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
